*** Windows gives you the productivity of 3 men: Moe, Larry, and Curly Joe.
*** Bug-free environment; please do not use Windows.
*** If I Warp my computer today, can I add a Transporter Room next week?
*** There's no intelligent life down here, Scotty. They use Windows.
*** Asylum Guard to Chairman Bill: "Where do YOU think you're going today?"
*** WindowsNT: proof that Darwinian evolution is a reversible process.
*** Changing operating systems is not as easy as changing underwear.
*** "I compute, therefore I am." - Rene' Diskettes.
*** How can you tell Chairman Bill is lying? His lawyer's lips are moving.
*** Microsoft Spin-Doctors: Best when viewed at 20,000 RPM.
*** Windows, the Roach Motel of Software: Bugs check in, never check out.
*** Archaeology: the Study of Microsoft Products.
*** Use a spreadsheet to do the math, but check it by hand just to be sure.
*** Chairman Bill, the "Joe Isuzu" of software.
*** Cutler's Law: Computers have a reset button -- for a reason.
*** Forced Grump says, "Stupid is as Windows does."
*** Justice Dept. evens the score: Consent decree in Waco, flames for Redmond.
*** Windows98, the Essence of Obsolescence.
*** Microsoft programmers, the REAL "Sleepless in Seattle".
*** WindowsNT and Jabba the Hut: Twins, separated at birth.
*** William's Law: Data loss occurs immediately before making backups.
*** IBM Marketing: Two guys, a telephone, and a deck of cards.
*** Why does the hardware keep getting faster, and the software slower?
*** Windows Developer's Kit: Aspirin, Maalox, and Cyanide.
*** There is a tooth fairy. Santa Claus is real. Microsoft is not a monopoly.
*** Windows: wimpy, wimpy, wimpy. OS/2 Warp: Hefty Hefty Hefty!
*** Chairman Bill's new clothing: Another LAW suit.
*** Microsoft Marketing: Slicker than Pennzoil 10-W-40.
*** Used-Car Salesman: Microsoft spokesman on truth serum.
*** Friends don't let friends use Windows.
*** At Microsoft, only the BUGS ship on schedule.
*** OLE: Obsolete Legacy Environment.
*** Elvis, Pharoah, and MS-BOB: Which one is still alive?
*** Chernobyl, Russia and Redmond, Washington: Sister cities.
*** To make Windows faster, drop it from airplanes.
*** If Chairman Bill's ego keeps rising, an FAA flight plan is needed.
*** Microsoft, the Legacy Software Company.
*** Iceberg is to Titanic as Year2000 is to WindowsNT.
*** Shakespeare's Microsoft play: "Much Ado About Nothing."
*** Windows98 and Tammy Bakker's makeup: Adding another layer.
*** McDonald's is to cuisine as Microsoft is to software.
*** Chairman Bill's favorite drink: fresh-squeezed Lemming-aide!
*** Poker in the 90's: The three of Warps beats the king of Windows.
*** The ultimate virus: a self-installing copy of Microsoft BOB.
*** Napoleon had his Waterloo, and Chairman Bill his Internet.
*** Windows2000 Beta users: Crash Test Dummies.
*** Faulkner on Microsoft Marketing: Sound and fury, signifying nothing.
*** Windows is like quicksand, except there's nothing "quick" about it.
*** Microsoft Tech Support: 2 hand puppets, 3 Bozos, and a hold button.
*** If your Windows has a virus, how can you tell the difference?
*** How do you make Windows more reliable? Format the C: drive.
*** Chairman Bill's favorite dessert: Apple.
*** Tough choice in the 90's: Upgrade the computer, or buy more beer.
*** WindowsNT, a tricycle on the Information Highway.
*** Windows95: Dead End Under Construction.
*** At Microsoft, "truth" is a nebulous concept.
*** To make Windows faster, throw it harder.
*** Aha, just what I need! A coffeemaker that fits a 5.25-inch slot!
*** Microsoft E-Commerce: from your wallet to Chairman Bill's.
*** Cereal port not found; reload BREAKFAST.COM?
*** Free Windows Betas! Beware of Geeks bearing gifts.
*** When Chairman Bill sneezes, software developers catch colds.
*** WindowsNT: another 3 years at Jenny Craig might help.
*** Will Rogers never met Chairman Bill.
*** Windows2000 movie: Dead Man Walking.
*** I am Warp of Borg. Lotus has been assimilated. Microsoft is irrelevant.
*** Windows98 Global Beta Test: Now in progress!!!
*** Use Windows in the year 2000, and feel like "19" again.
*** Student excuse of the 90's: "Windows ate my homework."
*** Microsoft Java: "Strange Brew".
*** Ballmer's Law: Anything that can go wrong, will be included FREE.
*** Windows is like the weatherman: wrong just often enough to be dangerous.
*** Chairman Bill's favorite Windows excuse: "It's better odds than Las Vegas."
*** Microsoft preload agreements: "An offer you cannot refuse."
*** Linux has Open Source. Microsoft has Closed Minds.
*** Microsoft, the new Disney: Goofy, Dopey, Mickey-Mouse products.
*** Calling Windows an "innovation" is like calling Caddyshack a "golf lesson."
*** Chairman Bill, a legend in his own mind.
*** Jumbo Shrimp, Gentle Storm, Windows Productivity.
*** Windows95, a "pothole" on the Information Highway.
*** Microsoft Education, the first step to "Planet of the Apes."
*** Chairman Bill's favorite pet: a "copycat."
*** Not tonight dear, I have a modem.
*** At Microsoft, "API" means "Another Proprietary Interface."
*** MS Web-TV: 500 channels, and not a thing to watch!
*** OS/2 ages like wine, and Windows ages like cheese.
*** There is no Mafia. The world is flat. Chairman Bill is a genius.
*** "Boot Disk" is not a football instruction.
*** Dr. Jack Kervorkian plus Romper Room equals Windows2000.
*** Welcome to the Microsoft tour. Please don't feed the lawyers.
*** Stubbornly staying with Microsoft: "Full Mental Jacket".
*** Chairman Bill, a "road hog" on the Information Highway.
*** Open Source means "curtains" for Windows.
*** They can take my copy of OS/2 when they pry it from my cold, dead fingers.
*** Chairman Bill - great software guy; Dr. Frankenstein - great hardware guy.
*** The Microsoft Network: Come into my parlor, said the spider to the fly.
*** Justice Department sues Microsoft! Translation: Hen pecks rooster!
*** Chateau Microsoft '95. Also known as vintage "whines".
*** At Microsoft, facts are an unfortunate inconvenience.
*** This is your brain on Windows: <o> Any questions?
*** Microsoft.com corrupt! Boot Chairman Bill? (Y/y)
*** A fool and his money are soon part -- of the installed base....
*** Chairman Bill, the Milli Vanilli of Software.
*** The Microsoft Macarena: spin, spin, spin.
*** A penny saved is 1.4 cents earned, at current tax rates.
*** OS/2 users get Warped, while Windows users just get all bent out of shape.
*** The Microsoft Last Supper: Filet of "Minions".
*** Chairman Bill, a legend in his own mind.... or out of it!
*** Extremism in the service of obsolescence: Microsoft Marketing.
*** Mr. Whipple to DOJ: "Please don't squeeze the Chairman!"
*** We did Windows programs, but we didn't inhale!!
*** Every television has an educational channel: Station "O.F.F."
*** Microsoft: like church, minus the morality.
*** Silverberg's Law: the last bug is always found AFTER pressing the CD.
*** "I want a kinder, gentler Microsoft. We begin formatting in 5 minutes."
*** Job opening as unpaid software tester. To apply, purchase Windows 2000.
*** Microsoft is not crooked, just "integrity challenged."
*** "Bug Bytes" -- the result of "rash" programming decisions.
*** If Intel chips ran any hotter, they'd have to file an EPA report.
*** "Daddy, when will I be old enough to delete Windows?"
*** That's not a Bug, it's a Feature!!
*** Chairman Bill: Nobody does it Beta.
*** Dr. Jack Kervorkian, the Windows of medicine.
*** 8 copies of WindowsNT sold, 7 returned. 8th guy got hit in the crosswalk!
*** Peabody's Law: all dust in the building eventually finds its way into your PC.
*** Why is Windows 2000 so slow coming out? Because Chairman Bill is constipated.